Passive aggressiveness has resulted in me becoming a cold-blooded killer – in my head.
Through my thoughts, I have shed the blood of many. Young men posturing themselves to claim space while encroaching on my own; people who are clearly afflicted with a condition known as “now I see, now I don't”, resulting in their inability to respect the pecking order of a queue; the cashier who thinks I read “palm” when she glances at me, arm outstretched and points to the money I've just handed her. “Oh, you said $5.59 not $5.29. Sorry,” I mumble, when I eventually decode her message. And one of my favourites, the salesperson who loses all of his charm once he realizes I am walking out out of the store without the shoes and with his commission.
As you can see, I've collected quite the list of victims.
The awareness of my potential to spill blood has piqued over the past seven years. I now live in country where riding public transit is part of my everyday reality and spend a copious amount of time with my thoughts. Like tonight...
After an ugly but productive 12-hour day, I met victim #undetermined – the bus rapper. He disturbed my relative peace so badly that, in a flash, I conjured up this scene:
Me – Standing up to get off the bus and backing into him by accident.
Him - Using the opportunity to pinch my bottom.
Me - Flinging 'round my bodt to spit, "Boy doh mek mih break yuh fuc..."
Oh. Hello? Are you still reading? Awkward.
This is why when I'm pissed off I don't open my mouth or react in the moment. I'm afraid of what I appear to be capable of. All I really wanted him to do was rap a little softer, but instead of saying that I created a vision in my head that allowed me to release my wrath. Yes, I realize it was overkill.
Believe me, I'm well aware that neither habit is healthy. I can't be clenching my teeth all the time to avoid speaking my mind. (According to my dentist, I'm apparently doing a fine job of causing bone damage to my back teeth already. Great.) Nor can I move through the world like Dirty Harry, as much as I envy my friends who don't give an eff and will cuss yuh way if you don't step light.
I'm in search of balance right now, in all things. This passive aggressive tendency is definitely high on the list of things I need to sort out. It's December 1 and I have 24 days left in 2011 to practise. One day at a time. Rabbit, rabbit.